


Letters of My Nightmare

by GlitchTheRoboticShadow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Deamus, HP - Freeform, Harry Potter - Freeform, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, h/c, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:48:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7426333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitchTheRoboticShadow/pseuds/GlitchTheRoboticShadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seamus is plagued by nightmares about what the Carrows did to him. He's kept them hidden from Dean so far, but with the one year anniversary of the war coming up, it's becoming harder to hide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters of My Nightmare

Seamus usually hid his feelings rather well. Between sleeping medications and therapeutic spells, he could typically sleep for a few hours straight without disturbance. 

But the one year anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts was coming up and as the days flashed by him, so did the memories of the weeks leading up to that final fight.

He couldn’t help the way he kept checking over his shoulder, or how he’d sweep the room with his eyes when he entered. He couldn’t help the way he’d jolt his gaze away when staring at Dean, as if he’d be brutally reprimanded by the Carrows for such a blatant show of endearment.

It felt like his mind was being split between the past and the present; stretched beyond its capacity and his sense of reality was rapidly slipping through the cracks as he tried to differentiate his feelings from back then and his feelings now.

For the past few days, he found himself randomly submerging into a panic when Dean was gone, like he was back at Hogwarts, his mind running rampant with worry for his best friend. He had to constantly remind himself that he was safe. That Dean was safe. They were together, the Carrows were gone, and the war was over.

By some miracle, Seamus had managed to keep all of this from Dean. He didn’t want to worry his boyfriend, whom he knew was dealing with his own PTSD from the war.

But now he could feel himself shaking. He was engulfed in a cold sweat, his body folding in on itself as he tried to claw his way out of his own mind. He knew it was a dream; he knew it. But yet he couldn’t escape.

It felt so real, like the day it actually took place. He could smell Neville’s cologne lingering in the air as he hunched over his desk. The sound of birds chirping drifting through the cracked window as he quickly scribbled down his thoughts onto paper.

It was all jumbled and partially incoherent but it’d become routine for him to write letters to Dean. Letters he’d never send, but were there in case anything ever happened to him. He couldn’t die knowing that Dean would never see how he actually felt.

So, everyday he’d hastily jot down little stupid thoughts; things he wanted to say to Dean, small happenings in the day that he’d usually talk to Dean about. Impulses and feelings that a year ago he never thought he’d share with Dean but now found flowing out of himself onto the parchment.

It may have seemed silly to others but it was the only thing keeping him sane. Without Dean, it felt like he didn’t have a tether. That the anchor that kept him steady had suddenly been cut loose and he was slowly spiraling into unknown waters.

The time for breakfast came and he quickly finished writing before shoving the paper into his trunk. There’s a certain feeling in dreams, when you just _know_ something is off. He could sense it, the doom lurking around the corner, waiting to catch him again.

He found himself in the great hall, sitting with his classmates. That normal sense of joy and chatter was gone. The school sucked dry of all cheer by the Death Eaters now invading its halls. It was a chilling sensation.

The quiet of breakfast was interrupted by the doors swinging open with a certain purposeful pinch of drama. The Carrows stood before everyone, Alecto holding a pile of parchment in one hand. 

A thin smile spread across her face as she loudly cleared her throat and called, “Seamus Finnigan!”

Seamus paused, his brain taking a moment to process his name being yelled in front of everyone in the great hall by a Carrow. He loved to stick it to them, to show defiance in little -and large- ways. He almost saw it as making up for all that time he doubted Harry. He wanted to show that he wasn’t a pawn or puppet, and he’d be damned if he let anyone march into _his_ school and demand reformation.

But even with all the gusto and confidence in the world, he couldn’t help the way his whole body tensed and his heart jumped into his throat at being called by Alecto. Every student went still, the small and idle whispers that had become routine, were now hushed as everyone watched on.

Seamus slowly rose from his seat, taking a moment with each action to force himself to keep moving forward. He walked down the long stretch of floor between himself and the Carrows, his steps echoing as his mind raced with anxiety.

Once he’d reached Alecto, he mustered his last bit of courage to look her in the eye. Her thin eyebrow arched as she examined his face. She shoved the pile of papers into his arms, speaking loud enough for everyone to hear, “These are your letters?”

All of the bravery had been seeped out of him as he slowly nodded in affirmation.

“And what, Mr. Finnigan, do these letters contain?” She asked sharply.

“N-nothing.” He cursed the way he stuttered. He wanted to be a driving force for the DA. A role model to which the younger students looked up to, but now he was cowering in front of the whole damn school.

“I see.” Alecto said, quieter than before. She grabbed the first letter off the top of the pile, unfolding it and pursing her lips as she skimmed through the contents. “So, you’re denying that you wrote about your feelings for a certain classmate in these letters? A _male_ classmate?” 

Seamus’ hands were shaking, struggling to keep all the parchment in his arms. He cleared his throat, his voice coming out hoarse, “Yes.”

“Ah.” She breathed, glancing back at her brother. She started pacing in front of Seamus, her hands clasped in front of her. “You do know that it is not _normal_ to have these feelings, Mr. Finnigan, don’t you?”

Seamus remained silent.

Alecto _tsked_ as she continued pacing. “And I hope that you also realize that lying _is_ against the rules. And we can’t have rule breakers running around unpunished, can we?”

Amycus hummed in agreement behind her.

“And you, Mr. Finnigan, have broken quite a few rules. I’m afraid your punishment must be _much_ more severe.”

Seamus’ legs felt like jelly, ready to give out under him. His vision was swimming as he anticipated the shock of pain that hit him in the next moment. 

There wasn’t a second of warning before his body slammed against the cold floor, writhing with pain. He felt as though his insides were being twisted in a million different directions, his skin being stretched and pulled. Broken sobs forced their way out of his mouth with chopped up pleas for mercy.

He wanted it to stop. He _needed_ it to stop. His whole world was crashing down on him. He was being humiliated and tortured in front of _everyone._ All of his being was screaming for peace. Silence. In that moment he didn’t care what became of him, he just needed it to _stop._

Seamus violently jolted up in bed, his surroundings swimming around him as he tried to collect himself. Adrenaline pumping through him and Panic spinning in his brain. Through all the chaos, he heard a clear, sharp voice, pulling him back to reality. 

“Seamus! Shay, it’s me. It’s Dean. You’re safe.” Dean gently grabbed Seamus’ shoulder, waiting for him to calm down before guiding him into a tight hug.

“Dean?” Seamus gripped the back of Dean’s shirt like it was the only thing holding him in reality. He shoved his face into the crook of Dean’s neck, sobs wrenching out of him.

“Shay, it’s okay, I’m here. What’s going on? What happened?” Dean’s voice was soft but laced with immeasurable concern.

“It was just a nightmare.” Seamus managed to mutter after his breathing started to even out.

“Just a nightmare my ass. What’s going on here?” Dean scooted closer so that Seamus was practically sitting in his lap.

“I didn’t- I didn’t tell ya everythin’ that happened back at Hogwarts.”

And so Seamus told Dean everything, he found it pouring out of himself like it’d been bottled in for ages. He felt the tension in his shoulders begin to relax, because he wasn’t keeping this big secret from his partner anymore. And as terrifying as that was, it was also a huge relief.

There were a few beats of silence, where Seamus tried to focus on Dean’s breathing instead of how his boyfriend would reply.

“What-” Dean sighed, like he had a hundred thoughts swirling around his head but was trying to just focus on one. “What happened after that?”

“What d’ya mean?” Seamus asked in confusion. He wasn’t sure what kind of response he was expecting, but a request for more elaboration wasn’t really on the list.

“I mean, after what the Carrows did to you, what did _you_ do? Did you stop trying to defy them?” 

“No.”

“Exactly. Shay…what the Carrows did was horrible and wrong but you kept fighting. You were so strong and brave and-”

Seamus squeezed Dean even tighter as he broke off into a sob.

“I barely even recognized you when I came back, Shay. That’s how hard you fought. They didn’t break you. After all that, you just came back stronger than ever. I just-” Dean sniffled with a rueful chuckle, “I just love you so much and don’t you _ever_ keep something like that from me again or I swear-”

Seamus cut him off with a soft kiss, both so overwhelmed and exhausted and rattled that they could barely think straight.

“I’m so glad you found out. It hurt to keep it from you, Dean. It really did.” Seamus rested his forehead against Dean’s, breathing in this new sense of safety and comfort.

“I’m so-” Dean paused. Seamus could see him searching for the right word. “I’m so _proud_ of you, Seamus.”

Seamus’ cheeks bloomed with warmth. His heart racing for a good reason for the first time that night.

They continued to just hold each other, both soaking in the other. Taking a moment to truly recognize what they almost lost a year ago. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this from a prompt given to me by the lovely deanthomasfinnigan on Tumblr! Honestly, it's two in the morning and I'm just praying this turned out all right.  
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed. Kudos and comments are appreciated!


End file.
